Consulting, Coaching & Chatter

The article appeared in the May-Jun 2008 issue of Net Results magazine.

One of the saddest admissions I regularly hear from churched Christians is that they don’t really have any unchurched friends. Now, the key word there is friend. Most of these Christians have plenty of unchurched acquaintances, their barista, a couple of coworkers, that gal at the gym, and … oh yeah, the manager at the meat market that they’ve had some great conversations with. But a friend is more than someone you have a passing relationship with. A friend knows your cell phone number, checks in on you regularly, and gets an invitation to your home for dinner and an evening with the newest iteration of Cranium. In other words, a friend is someone you actually like and hang out with. Regularly.

I know … you don’t have time for more friends. There are all those buddies you have at church. Besides, you know those non-Christians—they just don’t get it.

Yep. That’s exactly the point. They don’t get it and they never will if they don’t meet a Christian who’s life is different, in a positive way, from everyone else.

Though there are probably a dozen other good reasons for getting out there and making new friends, I guess the most important one for the Christian is that it’s a Jesus thing the rest of the world probably won’t fully understand. The parting words of Jesus to his disciples was to get out there and win one for the gipper—or words to that effect. He said something about how we should “make disciples” (Matthew 28:19) and “be my witnesses in your neighborhood, community, and beyond” (Acts 1:8). That’s the Great Commission. And let me explain why friendship-building is probably the most effective way to fulfill it.

Virtually every poll ever taken that asks how an individual became a Christian reveals that over 90 percent of us were invited either to church or into a relationship with Jesus by a close friend or a relative. As effective as the Billy Graham conferences, television and radio preaching, Gideon Bibles, and door-to-door evangelism campaigns may be, even when combined they don’t compare to the effectiveness of one friend inviting another to join them on their faith journey. The fact is, friendship evangelism works, and it works to such a degree that if North American Christians ever got serious about sharing their faith with their neighbors we’d fill all our church buildings beyond capacity, not unlike the first Pentecost Sunday when 3,000 people showed up for the first church service (read Acts 2 in the New Testament for more details). The fact is, the most effective way to reach the unchurched is to build a significant friendship with them as you journey along the Way and share your faith as one friend to another.

Whenever we touch a life for Jesus that is outside the walls of the church (i.e., someone not born into the church), Christianity increases its span of influence. According to sociologists, most of us have a significant relationship network of just over six people. Indeed, some suggest we may have as many as nine people with whom we have significant influence. If we befriend a single unchurched person who is outside of our regular network, the Gospel has the opportunity to reach at least six additional people, most of whom will also be unchurched folk.

The implications of this for the sake of the Kingdom and for the church is significant. With 82 percent of the unchurched population admitting they would at least be somewhat likely to attend a church if a close friend invited them, imagine the impact if even half of us intentionally made an unchurched friend this year and shared our faith with them.

Prioritizing Time for Friendships

I hope by this point I’ve convinced you that making friends is important, not only for the Kingdom of God but for you personally as well. The fact is, though, we still seem to have less time than we need to do those things we know we “ought” to do.

The reality is that everyone has the same amount of time each day; however, we all probably know people who seem to be able to pack their day just right so that they get more out of it than we do. We often wonder what their secret is to getting all that “stuff” accomplished. But there is no secret. They’ve just learned how to prioritize their time differently, more adequately.

In the “Afterthoughts” section of this issue there are a couple of questions to help you consider what your current priorities are. This could be a revealing exercise as you think about how to fit a new friend into your schedule. But first, in this present moment, let’s explore some ways to add a new friendship to your life.

Friendships On the Run

We often surmise that we will have to set aside time from our routine to fit in a new friendship, but this needn’t be the case. Time is limited, but we have to eat dinner anyway. You might as well invite a new friend to share it with you. Sure, the house may not be spotless, but many of us have a tendency to over emphasize appearances anyway. And though it might be nice to throw a dinner party complete with decorations and fine dining, many of us really don’t have time to put one together any time soon. Besides, for some, dinner parties tend to be less relaxed and may actually be a barrier to more casual and intimate conversation. As much as my wife likes setting a beautiful table, complete with the appropriate silver settings and all our plates for soup, salad, entrée, bread, and dessert; we’ve found this to be not only time-consuming and cumbersome in preparation and clean-up, it has confused a number of our friends. We began to take note when more than one dinner guest confessed their uncertainty about whether or not they were using the “right” fork or knife. Lately, we’ve chosen to save the etiquette lessons for our kids and opt for hosting simpler gatherings that negate the risk of serving undue embarrassment to our friends. It’s not that we’ve completely given up on the formal dinner option, only that we find ourselves in a place where simpler is better…and more than adequate. On the other hand, we have friends who thrive well on hosting formal dinner parties and we ourselves always enjoy being invited to join them! As new friendships unfold, it can take time to get to know one another and our various comfort levels; as such, simplicity is an important key that works both to our advantage and for the benefit of our budding relationships.

The opportunities to include new friends in our daily lives are almost limitless. Invite someone to go shopping or garage-sailing with you. Invite your neighbor to watch the high school football game with you. Go look at Christmas lights or watch fireworks together. Request the honor of their presence at the next library book reading or speaker event. Take your morning walk, jog, or bike ride with a new acquaintance. You get the picture. From movies to golf, adult education at the junior college to a fun class at the senior center, there are plenty of ways you can expand your network of friends.

Doing the Important Before the Urgent

There was one of those popular emails that made the circuit recently that I found particularly germane to this discussion. During the first class period in a college physics course, a wise professor produced a four-liter glass jar that was filled to the brim with golf balls. He set the jar on the lab table before him and asked the students, “Is this jar full?” The students as one said, “Yes!” Reaching below the table, the prof revealed a beaker with ball bearings in it. He began to pour the bearings into the jar, shaking it until the space between the golf balls were filled. He then asked the class again, “Is this jar full?” With a little less certainty the students responded, “Yes.” The professor reached beneath the table and produced a beaker with sand in it and he proceeded to add the contents into the jar until the sand filled the jar to the brim. Turing to the class he asked again, “Is this jar full?” This time the students were certain and responded with a resounding “Yes!” A third time the professor revealed a beaker, this time filled with water. The class groaned as he poured the contents into the jar.

Turning to the class the professor said, “The golf balls are those important tasks in your life that each of you here is uniquely equipped to handle. The bearings are lesser important chores that need to be accomplished to keep your life running smoothly, but will divide your attention from the important tasks. The sand is the gritty day-to-day urgent demands of life that will distract you from your purpose. And the water is the details that will attempt to fill your life if you let them. But if you don’t put the golf balls in first, you’ll have no room to add them later. Attend to the important first or the chores, the urgent, and the details will crown out and drown your dreams.”

Put It On the Calendar

Of course, the important will never get done if you don’t make it “real.” I carry a Blackberry that I only half jokingly say is my life. It is true, though, that if an appointment isn’t in my Blackberry, it doesn’t exist. At least not for me. It’s not “real” until it’s on my calendar. For the important to get accomplished it has to make it onto your calendar and you have to follow through with those pesky details. For instance, putting your neighbor on the calendar for dessert will not make it happen. You have to actually invite them. And you have to remember to ask if they have any allergies or food restrictions before shopping for your Friday evening event. And, if you’re like my wife and me, you more than likely will have to hit the grocery store for ingredients or something to warm-up and put on the dessert plates. Get it all down on the calendar step-by-step and, before you know it, you’ll have loads of new unchurched friends. And if you have just one unchurched friend, you already have more than the vast majority of Christians!

1. Pull out your calendar. On what two tasks or chores have you spent the most time over the past two months? How does that make you feel: satisfied, justified, horrified, embarrassed, happy, sad?
2. How much time have you spent with an unchurched person? With unchurched people?
3. Who do you know that you could “get to know better” over the next two months? List at least three people. (Note: you may not yet know their names.)
4. List five ways you can do to get to better know at least one of the above-listed people. Make sure you include appropriate ways both to meet them more formally and to move past casual introductions.
5. Grab your calendar again and calendar a deadline for meeting and doing something with (or for) this person.