Consulting, Coaching & Chatter

I received so many responses to my last post on the Top Five Reasons Churches Don’t Grow that I could probably blog a new post on any one of the comments and have almost a month’s worth of writing.

However, a comment from TF brought back a flood of thoughts that I thought I’d share. His/her question was about whether there could be “unspoken” conflict in a church – and that the pastor maintained a mantra of the importance of unity rather than dealing with unresolved and unspoken conflict. You know, you don’t want to open that “can of worms.”

Unspoken conflict, which is a euphemism for unresolved conflict, is literally killing churches. Indeed, many churches operate under an illusion of “unity and harmony.” The congregation, particularly the leadership, make heroic attempts to cover up, tuck under their sleeves, and practice mis-direction and sleight of hand to try and convince the “audience” that all is well. It’s much like Jeremiah’s comment that they say “Peace, Peace” when there is no peace. Let me be less than nice for a moment and call it like it is. Congregational leaders who are making these attempts are guilty of promulgating and perpetuating a lie – and a congregation that is living a lie isn’t likely to be visited with many blessings. Those of the congregation who are a part of the unspoken, unresolved conflict need to take seriously Paul’s admonition in 2 Corinthians 13:5 (”Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves.”). I refuse to enter a debate about the definition of a Christian, but someone who claims to be a Christ follower who doesn’t behave like a Christian, who either refuses to reconcile with another or who perpetuates a lie isn’t likely to pass the 2 Cor 13:5 test.

So, here’s the thing. If you’re a part of a congregation that refuses to deal with unresolved conflict … if your leadership continues to indulge in the fantasy and delusion that conflict will resolve itself if left alone … and if you’ve approached leadership about the issue (you’re held to Matthew 18:15-17 too) and have been blown off, then it’s time for you to find a congregation that’s not living a lie.

If you’re a part of the conflict, whether it’s your fault or not, it’s time to put your discipleship into action. Put Matthew 5:23-24 or Matthew 18:15-17 into practice.

And if you’re a leader who’s helping to “smooth over” unresolved conflict and you’re not getting any results, step up and be a leader … put Matthew 18:15-17 into play from the first “If” to the last “then.” If that means the church loses a couple of members, then so be it. To paraphrase one of Jesus’ sayings, “Better to lose a church member than the whole body to be cast out.”

I received a question from a recent seminar participant that was buried in one of the comments. I started to answer it there, but when I finished I realized it was way too long to be just a comment … so I repost it here.

The question was “So, how does one confront the “Fog Horns” that create so much conflict in the transforming church? And the words to use? While I enjoyed reading several of your articles, I did not readily find anything on the subject.”

The following response is predicated on the need to confront a congregational controller after they’ve “misbehaved.”

Step one: Develop congregational expected behaviors. If you don’t do this, you cannot effectively move on to step two. DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP. I’ve written about this is a number of other posts, so I won’t belabor it here. Except to say again, do not skip this step!!!!!

Step two: Rely on Matthew 18:15-17 when someone misbehaves.

• After an incident, the pastor or board chair immediately visits the controller one-on-one and says, “As a congregation, we’ve agreed that we will not treat one another like this. Your behavior wasn’t in keeping with our expected behaviors. This cannot continue.” If an apology and repentance is offered, the issue is done (until the next time, if there ever is a next time). If, on the other hand, the controller refuses to repent and/or makes excuses or turns the blame on the board/pastor/committee/church etc., conflict resolution goes to the next level.
• The pastor or board chair reports to the executive committee (if the board is over 12 people) or to the board the response. Then two people, the original visitor and one other (typically an elder or a senior member of the board/executive committee) goes to the controller and says, essentially, the same thing as in the first visit, except this time the controller is told that the behavior will not be tolerated and that it must cease. If the controller repents, the issue is done. If not, the conflict resolution goes to the final level.
• The two visitors next report to the board (the whole group this time) about the visits. The board should discuss the issue and the behavior. If the board agrees that the behavior was and is inconsistent with the congregation’s expected behavior covenant, then they have no choice but to invite the controller to appear before them. If the controller comes (highly unlikely in my experience), the board then informs the controller that the controller’s behavior is unacceptable and if the behavior does not immediately cease, then the board has no choice but to remove the controller from all leadership positions and to instruct the controller to not return to the church until they have decided to behave otherwise … and if they so decide, the controller must seek reconciliation beginning with the pastor and then the board.  In other words, show the controller the door and tell them to not come back until they’ve had a change of heart.

Is this easy? No. I’ve had to do it four times during my ministry career. It’s painful and hurtful and unpleasant. But in every case … and I mean every case … when a controller is removed, there is a collective sigh of relief by the congregation. Attendance goes up (after the supporters of the controller leave in protest), giving goes up, and the spirit of the church improves significantly. Oh, and one other side benefit. Other would-be controllers notice … and when they act out (and they will), you’ll seldom have to get past the one-on-one confrontation. They know the congregation means business – and that they’re not afraid to be faithful to Jesus and his conflict instructions.

Those who’ve read any of my church renewal/small group books or who are familiar with my work with Easum, Bandy & Tenny-Brittian know that when I speak about DNA, I mean the six strands that answer the question “Who is this congregation?” A congregation’s DNA can be found in every part of the local church – the leadership, the members, and can even be found in participants who’ve been hanging around with the church for as little as three months. I define those six DNA strands as:

1. The Mission
2. The Core Values
3. The Bedrock Beliefs
4. The Expected Behaviors
5. The Compelling Vision
6. The Strategic Focus

In earlier entries, I’ve mentioned the need for congregation’s to work on expected behaviors early on in the discovery/discernment process. I return to the DNA topic because there’s been a LOT of conversation lately on the EBT Advanced Leadership Forum (an online coaching service that’s part of the EBT Community) about the congregational Bedrock Beliefs.

On that forum, much has been made of this particular strand of DNA … and honestly, it’s a very important strand. However, as I watch leaders from around the world struggle with their congregation’s Bedrock Beliefs, I wonder how much of it is all that necessary.

One definition of Bedrock Beliefs that has been put forth by my partner Tom Bandy is that Bedrock Beliefs are those beliefs you turn to for strength in times of trouble. Examples would include “God comforts us in times of trouble” and “God accepts us no matter who we are.”

I like the imagery of this, but when I work with churches I find it almost impossible to pin down these kinds of statements on a church-wide DNA basis. On a personal basis, no problem. I know what my Bedrock Beliefs are in times of trouble. But when it comes to helping a church define what the core of their heart is, I take a different tack.

When I help a church discern their Bedrock Beliefs, my purpose is to help them get to a bedrock place where they can, as a congregation, build a foundation that won’t shatter when someone lobs a theological grenade into the room. I’ve seen far too many churches get into a fray about what a small group of individuals find core, but the congregation as a whole finds tangental – but without defined Bedrock Beliefs there’s nothing to keep the fray from becoming a fight.

Now, before I write another word … I totally agree with Tom Bandy who says that Bedrock Beliefs are not a congregation’s systematic theology. That would simply be too much for any congregation to swallow. But it is the place where the congregation can agree and then can deflect the grenades.

Some congregation’s are confessional. “Officially” they already have their bedrock beliefs defined for them. I’ve yet to be in a church in USAmerica where that was actually the case, but at least it’s somewhere to start. But for those non-confessional churches (and even some of the confessional churches), congregation’s often come to the understanding that Jesus is the bottom line. Their foundation for their core values may well get stated, “Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and we call on him as our Lord (boss, CEO, etc.) and Savior.” In general, few Christians disagree with this as the foundation. Great. Step one done.

If Jesus is the foundation of the faith, then everything gets built on that. I’ve found that churches find they can summarize their beliefs what Jeff Hubbard, a close friend, named “The Four Greats.” Jesus gave us four “great” commandments that can crystallize the Bedrock Beliefs for many congregations. (1) Jesus gave us the Great Invitation: Follow Me. In other words, we’re called to do what he did (and more) and to value what he valued. (2) Jesus gave us the Great Commandment: Love God. Our lives are meant to revolve around honoring God in all we do. (3) Jesus gave us the Great Commandment: Love Others. Everything we do and think and say must go through this filter: Is it loving? And not just is it loving, but would they receive it as loving? and (4) Jesus gave us the Great Commission: Make Disciples. That’s why we exist … that’s why the church exists.

When churches adopts the Jesus and the Four Greats as their Bedrock Beliefs, it helps put focus on what’s important when those “Grenades” inevitably get lobbed into Small Group meetings, Sunday School Classes, Board Meetings, and so on. Here’s one way I coach congregation’s in how to deflect (or even diffuse) those moments: “You know, that’s an important belief, but when it comes to what this congregation believes and practices, we lean on Jesus and the Four Greats. Anything else … anything … simply isn’t worth dying for or arguing about.” If the query comes again, just keep deflecting it. You might even turn to Paul’s words to Timothy to avoid senseless controversies (2 Tim 2:23-24), and since this belief isn’t a core belief in the congregation ….

Is there more we may all hold in common? Perhaps. But in general, Jesus and the Four Greats tend to cover it pretty well. And it heads off a lot of controversy.