I received so many responses to my last post on the Top Five Reasons Churches Don’t Grow that I could probably blog a new post on any one of the comments and have almost a month’s worth of writing.
However, a comment from TF brought back a flood of thoughts that I thought I’d share. His/her question was about whether there could be “unspoken” conflict in a church – and that the pastor maintained a mantra of the importance of unity rather than dealing with unresolved and unspoken conflict. You know, you don’t want to open that “can of worms.”
Unspoken conflict, which is a euphemism for unresolved conflict, is literally killing churches. Indeed, many churches operate under an illusion of “unity and harmony.” The congregation, particularly the leadership, make heroic attempts to cover up, tuck under their sleeves, and practice mis-direction and sleight of hand to try and convince the “audience” that all is well. It’s much like Jeremiah’s comment that they say “Peace, Peace” when there is no peace. Let me be less than nice for a moment and call it like it is. Congregational leaders who are making these attempts are guilty of promulgating and perpetuating a lie – and a congregation that is living a lie isn’t likely to be visited with many blessings. Those of the congregation who are a part of the unspoken, unresolved conflict need to take seriously Paul’s admonition in 2 Corinthians 13:5 (“Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves.”). I refuse to enter a debate about the definition of a Christian, but someone who claims to be a Christ follower who doesn’t behave like a Christian, who either refuses to reconcile with another or who perpetuates a lie isn’t likely to pass the 2 Cor 13:5 test.
So, here’s the thing. If you’re a part of a congregation that refuses to deal with unresolved conflict … if your leadership continues to indulge in the fantasy and delusion that conflict will resolve itself if left alone … and if you’ve approached leadership about the issue (you’re held to Matthew 18:15-17 too) and have been blown off, then it’s time for you to find a congregation that’s not living a lie.
If you’re a part of the conflict, whether it’s your fault or not, it’s time to put your discipleship into action. Put Matthew 5:23-24 or Matthew 18:15-17 into practice.
And if you’re a leader who’s helping to “smooth over” unresolved conflict and you’re not getting any results, step up and be a leader … put Matthew 18:15-17 into play from the first “If” to the last “then.” If that means the church loses a couple of members, then so be it. To paraphrase one of Jesus’ sayings, “Better to lose a church member than the whole body to be cast out.”
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3 users responded in this post
It comes down to a lack or the total absence of leadership. Good post. I was once in a church like this. And more often than not, the pastor is appeasing both sides telling both he understands. But he is really telling both sides “Don’t trust what I tell you.”
I am a new reader. Great blog.
Bill,
Loved both articles. Thanks for sharing your insights about unresolved conflict. Now I understand why I am meeting such resistance in the congregation. I also know that the conflict needs to be resolved before we can move forward. I understand that one way to respond is to find another church that is not living “the lie” and move on. As you suggest… Being an ELCA Lutheran pastor I find that many (perhaps too many) churches in our denomination are indeed living this lie. I love a good challenge, so I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. I know that I have been called here to be a transformational leader. As a matter of fact, the council president and I started visiting with the controllers using Matthew 18. And those visits did not go so well. We stopped after 6 of them because they were so spiritually draining on us. We are just starting our fifth year together as congregation and pastor. I am just starting to understand this congregation and its rich history of chewing-up its leaders both, paid and unpaid, staff and clergy. I would like to know how to expose the conflict and “the lie” associated with it. This congregation is in need of what I call a “flashpoint,” an implosion, not explosion. We announced in worship yesterday the resignation of our director of worship and our children’s choir director because of the negativity and unchristian environment that is perpetuated by a few within the congregation. I would welcome any insights you might have about how to create a flashpoint for transformation. It’s time to stop sweeping “the lie” under the rug. It’s time for a clean sweep.
Rob Miller
I’m not sure I recommend a flashpoint … per se. However, if you will work a process of developing and getting buy-in for an membership and leadership expected behavior’s covenant, you’re flashpoint will come. Guaranteed. And when it does, the council will have the congregationally approved expectations to insist on dealing with the conflict.
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